August 2004-Food review/ home grillin' contest: Barbequest!

Barbequest!
by, Charlie Pecoraro

Some argue the Barbecue to be America’s great contribution to the world. Some might put their money on an experiment called democracy. Fortunately for the sake of this article, most delectables created elsewhere in the kitchen are made just that much more savory on the the grille; and even good ole democracy herself can’t put that on her resumé (although freedom would have a much fuller taste without being smothered in Patriot Act sauce). And with that miraculous mixing of metaphors and not-so-subtle alliteration, I’d like to ask an obnoxious question; why is the barbecue out in the backyard anyway?
You might think it is because of the open flames, the smoke or fumes that America has created this kitchen of the open air, but the real reason is that men are the primary users of the Barbecue. And if a woman knows a man is going to be fiddling around with gas, charcoal, matches and/or lighter fluid, she not only wants him out of the kitchen, but outside of the entire house so that the damage he causes burning his Ball Parks is confined to the section of property company is least likely to see.
Only the kids, the dog and a fence hopping burglar would be privy to the telltale portions of blackened concrete and half melted deck chairs. If the operation of a microwave oven were any riskier an endevor, the amount of time men would be spending in the backyard would force them to move their big screens and easy chairs out there as well.
But really, it’s not as if we mind. Rather, it’s the most natural way for us to be cooking; wind in our hair, beer in hand(hopefully a frosty Newcastle) and the Sun to our backs as we shirtlessly roast both the meat on the grille and the skin on our faces. But let me tell you, if Women were as susceptible to the primitive urges of open flame meat heating, the outdoor grille, as Men now know it, would sport a strikingly different visage.
Made for indoors the “B2Q”, as it would be savvily marketed, would come in “flavour-colours”, have ring tones and be hooked up to copper trimmed vents with automatic flame reduction pistons making it not only beautiful, but safe enough for your aresol huffing little brother to operate.
There would be push button barbies and grilles that sing songs. A television/DVD playing indoor barbecue would be a luxury of our present age. Briquettes would encounter a flavor revolution. And can you imagine what George Foreman would have up his sleave. The reason why Women prefer to do their cooking with conventional appliances I’ll never guess but I’m fairly certain I’ve never once seen my mother prepare my succulent lamb shanks over a o’er a bundle of coals b’neath our shadowy Elm.
Suffice it to say that the traditions and cultural trappings that encompass the barbecue, regaurdless of gender specificity, make it a truly seemless piece of American living. And with the season for outdoor cooking in full swing, and having had the National Day of outdoor cooking(the fourth) just passed, it seems only fitting to share with you the results of our Grille Master’s contest.
In the Months of June and July I attended no less than 12 cookouts, (three on the fourth alone), and as expected, I have a wienner. Of the 12 participants, honourable mention(Cum Laude) must be given to: Mike Gates for his many splendored assortment of sausages, bratworst, wienners, hot dogs, burgers and links along with his easily marketable homemade chili. Maxima Cum Laude goes to Robert Ciccaglione who blesses my Sicilian palate with his homemade Italian Sausages, homemade chicken cutlettes, homemade bread and homemade beer!
Now I want you all to know two things before you reach the end of this piece. One is that Fullertonians are very generous with their Independence Day meats, and two, very stingy with their recipes. But you will be pleased to know that I did indeed wrangle out a deeee-lishious “secret” combination of spices from one very generous Mr. Rueben Paul. His Brazialian grillin’ handiwork gets him our Summa Cum Laude and top prize by claiming Bloody Mary Mix to be the Holy Grail of beef Marinades. Use it and prevent your July 4th extravaganza from becoming a sans-coulotte Bastille day.