BURKE WILLIAMS adventure (09/05/05)

BURKE WILLIAMS adventure

So, today is Labor Day. I get up, go to my gym for yoga. Yoga is cancelled. Of course Charlie, dummy, it's labor day. This is how I live my life, a series of "duhs" that make me laugh at myself.
So I do yoga by myself in the studio part of the gym, near this girl who is cute but also kinda looks, well really looks like Elijah Wood, which bums me out every time I see her and thinks she's cute.
I finish yoga and literally am going down the escalator out of the gym when I decide to see my friend Susan who works at...... BURKE WILLIAMS, which is next door to my 24hr Fitness.
I've never been inside a Burke Williams before. I've heard women talk about them but never have been in one. I enter and there is Susan, all happy to see me and before I say barely two words she's insisting that I take a "moment for myself" and "enjoy the amenities," free of course.
So I'm kinda nervous cause I feel like a homeless guy in a home or something, you know, like I don't belong or I'm gonna get found out. And I'm looking all around like a moron like I've never been inside a BURKE WILLIAMS before, and really, I hadn't.
And gosh dang it's really nice. It was like I stepped into the magic wardrobe and into Narnia. It was the most comforting place, all full of soft carpet and the nicest smells you ever put up your nose. And everyone is really nice. Susan calls over this real nice guy named Edgar, who wasn't gay, and who showed me where the men's "amenities" were.
I got a locker, which was nice, and which contained a soft terry-cloth bathrobe, a soft towel and some really comfy but butt-ass ugly slippers, but boy was I comfortable.
And I change up and head to the nice showers which smell great and I'm all showering up in this wonderful shower. And then I have to pee.
And I'm so conflicted because here I am. a GUEST at BURKE WILLIAMS and I don't even belong and what if they have pee detectors in the showers and the alarm goes off and the bust in and drag my not belonging, buck-naked ass out hair first and expose me as a fraud. And then I thought of George Costanza on Seinfeld and how he got caught peeing in the public showers.
But, you see, he didn't have a private shower WITH A DOOR, cause he was at the gym and I'm at BURKE WILLIAMS. And just before I was about to pee I thought to myself, "Am I being a slob?"
So after the showers I smelled like a million bucks! They have all sorts pleasant smelling soaps and conditioners and body washes... and then I went and shaved with THEIR razors and put nice face stuff on my face and body stuff on my body and slicked my hair back. And this whole time dudes are just kinda walking around naked, not caring and it was all so not gay. It was great! Like everybody was acting very mature in there and wasn't all worried about being homosexual or anything. Unlike my gym next door where I always feel kinda creeped out in the dressing room, as if so guy is always looking. Or some other old fella is undressing just a tad too close to me. So I grabbed a banana.
Cause they had a great, big bowl of fruit just hanging out there begging to be eaten. So I obliged. And had an orange later on too cause no one seemed to be eating the oranges. I had to balance it out.
And as I sat in my comfy robe, all naked underneath, eating my orange, I talked with God about some things here and there, some guidance I need and how I'm real thankful for a lot of things. And then I began to read a travel magazine and dreamt of far off locals.
Then I wanted to go into the spa even though I had showered already. I didn't want to leave an amenity un-"enjoyed." So I went to dip myself in and realized, "I don't have a damn swimsuit" and I told Edgar that, the attendant who's real nice and not gay. And he said, "eet dont mater. you don neeed won." "Cool" I said and enthusiastically dropped trowel (and towel) and dipped myself in cupping my balls carefully cause the water was hot. And I sat in the corner, the whole spa to myself, and relaxed at BURKE WILLIAMS. And I talked to God a bit more, mostly extolling him on things I was thankful for, particularly this naked spa and the non-gay, turkish bath feeling of the whole experience.
And then here comes this shlub dude approaching the spa. No eye contact. But I take a peek and as he disrobes I see he's wearing trunks! What the heck, makes me feel totally gay being all buck naked like a jerk or something. Makes me feel OUT OF PLACE, like I DON'T BELONG! He should be naked too! That's the unwritten rule. If we're all naked then it's ok to be naked. I was so pissed off. He totally ruined the whole thing. Here I am, in a place full of naked guys, surprised that I’m not really eeked out by what I though would be a very uncomfortable time full of awkward sexuality confrontations and everything is going great until this jerk makes me feel like a freak, like an exhibitionist, like a streaker, like a real naked jerk and gay. So I get out and head over, naked in defiance, to the cold deluge, which is basically a shower with only cold water, located near the spa for a "reinvigoration" post spa time. Yeah, it worked. I then re-robed and headed back to those nice showers.
I spent another couple minutes in there rinsing off the shame of being the only one naked in the spa and then went over to the mirrors and put some more nice smelling product in my hair slicking it back with aplomb.
I think I sat in another chair for a bit before I changed back into my street clothes. And when I did change I think it was the longest change of my life. I took my sweet time and relaxed and enjoyed myself. As I headed out I saw a sign for the "Men's quiet room." Wow. I had to check this out. And I did. And it was. And I talked to God a little bit more, I forget about what, I think it was a recap of the previous hour and a half of BURKE WILLIAMS time and I soon walked out of there almost wandering into the women's section by mistake. Nearly mortified I was very relived to find Susan where I had left her. She walked me out and we discussed seeing a movie later in the week. She said there was some great new movie about my future. It stars Steve Carrell, that should be fun.
And that pretty much concluded my experience at BURKE WILLIAMS. I felt really blessed by that wonderful turn of events. I've been thanking God for it all day.
Oh, and by the way, they don't have pee alarms in the showers.