My Dad's 88th birthday (12/01/06)

Yesterday was my dad's 88th birthday. I wasn't able to spend it with him and my mom but we got a chance to talk twice, once in the afternoon and once at 2am that night. The night conversation was great.
We talked about all sorts of things, about being artists, about the nature of art and life of an artist. We talked about my future and the non-artistic desires I have for it. My dad and I connected in a really great way last night. It was a conversation I'll never forget for a couple of reasons.
Although we don’t see each other as often as we’d like, my dad and I talk quite a bit. He will often ride the train from Fullerton and I will pick him up at Union Station downtown. It’s great to be there as he steps onto the platform and looks around for me. My dad’s a good height and has an unmistakable look so I usually spot him quickly and shoot a high pitched whistle his way. When he hears it he looks over and sticks up his hand as do I. We greet each other with a great hug and I carry whatever he has brought with him, which is usually a bag filled with foodstuffs and what-have-yous from my mom along with a pair of pajamas and a toothbrush for the stay overnight.
We then grab a bite to eat either at Phillips’ French dip, Canter’s Deli, the Farmer’s Market or a new place. The evening most often consists of a special movie and then more coffee shops for dessert and coffee. We frequent the Silent Movie Theatre on Fairfax as much as possible because one really cool thing about my father’s age is that we can see a movie together there that he saw with his dad when it first came out in the 1920’s. These are usually in the Douglas Fairbanks/Rudolph Valentino vein, which is great because I grew up hearing stories about my dad seeing them as a child. So to see them together is really special and a great father/son time.
Last time my dad came up we saw James Bond at the Chinese theatre. My dad hadn’t been to the Chinese in easily thirty years, at least, when he and my uncle Steve were living in Beverly Hills as bachelors. It’s always great reintroducing my dad to the perks of living in Los Angeles. And it’s great because, even though he’s been in California since 1954, L.A. is now my stomping grounds and I get to show him my spots. They’re great times and we both look forward to them so much.
My dad will often ask when he can hop the train next and because I work so much I’m often times reluctant to give a specific date. But, I must say that I’m pretty decent at remembering what’s important in the long term scheme of things. I morosely like to call it my, “deathbed perspective.” I try and imagine what decisions I will be happy about and which I will regret when I am old and dying. This easily clarifies my dilemma. And it’s always in favor of spending more time with people I love, particularly my dad.
Our best conversations are usually late at night. These will be at Canter’s or Mel’s at two in the morning over coffee and our second dessert of the day. I try and get new stuff out of him when he reverts to old stories just because I want to hear what he’s got to say about different things. I know he likes the old stories and I do too, but it just feels like I would be talking to a grandfather and not my father if all we talked about were the stories I've heard all my life. I mean, this is my dad, it’s important that even though he’s much older than me, we still are able to find common ground. It’s not difficult, I’m an old soul and he’s a hep cat so we probably meet half way and relate as two 45 year olds.
Also, it's not like that's all he talks about. Like I've mentioned before, my dad has a lot of the present on his mind. Politics, new music, film, new applications of Biblical truths, my dad’s always thinking and is often lost in that thought. I definitely take this trait straight from him. My mom is much more present than either one of us. I mean she has a deeply resonant soul, but she’s much more with it.
My pop and I will often talk about encounters he’s had with folks at our family restaurant. Or he might mention an interesting conversation had at his men's Bible study. Or perhaps he'll bring up some non-sequitor thoughts he's been chewing on recently. Those are definitely my favourite moments because it's new shit he's spinning.
Last night was interesting because I don't very often feel like a peer of my father, but as I was talking about my amorphic thoughts and feelings concerning my future, about acting, about humanitarianism, he kind of got down on my level, I can’t really explain in what way, but it was more of a peer type conversation than I commonly remember having with my dad.
I mentioned to him how I really enjoy acting but I don’t see myself being completely fulfilled by it alone unless I was able to parlay my success as an actor into more of a humanitarian role. We discussed how I am definitely an artist in many senses, but I also feel very academic in thought and demeanor. And in some ways I feel like the academic side to me is slower moving than the entertainer whom is always putting on the act. I know that they’re not mutually exclusive, but I sometimes feel very unlike other actors I know. This sort of fish out of water sensation is not a new feeling for me and is in fact a theme to my life. I’m still processing these thoughts. I’m sure I’m not along in these feelings, but being an only child makes me think I’m special, so, I might as well be.
My dad said that he had been thinking and praying for me about these very same notions. And mentioned the times I had spoke of them in the past. And he had this to say about it,
“you know son, these thoughts and feelings are very personal, very intimate. I can understand that you’re at a crossroads of sorts, and that you’re thinking about the future, but there is only so much I can tell you because while I would go the distance with you down whatever road you would choose, I can only do so much. These very close feelings are really between you and our heavenly Father. I don’t know what the future holds for you but I do know that God has wonderful plans for you.”
Now my dad has often told me to seek advice from God and I find all the wisdom in the world in those words. And I do do this, often. In addition to this my dad has, in equal doses, given me personal examples from his own life (old stories) about when he was in a similar situation. It is through the stories of his life that he relates to others, not exclusively, but a lot of the time. So for him to not tell me a story is very interesting, and actually refreshing.
And maybe that’s the reason I felt we related on common ground in that conversation, because while we have sincere faith in God’s timing and goodness, we both felt a level of uncertainty about the future, and that was just fine. I mean, what’s very cool in a very strange way is that, as my father gets older he thinks more about what is to come after this life. And while we both have faith in God’s timing and goodness in this area, in definitely falls into the realm of uncertainty.
It’s interesting now that I think about it, because I think one of the reasons why we sometimes meet at a disconnect concerning life’s travails and bents, is because my dad has seen so much life that nothing seems like a big deal to him. He has been through wars, depressions, revolutions of all sorts and at this point, although he’s probably always had a strong sense of this, he is perpetually cool and nothing ruffles him. For him, it’ll all work out fine. And while he’s concerned about my quandaries, I think he feels a distance from them, and I sense this. But last night he really got what I was feeling, perhaps related to it, and we dealt it out. It was a man’s moment, when you think about your life and what you want from it, as a man. It was a time where we both looked at the great mystery of life, with all of our love and curiosity concerning it.
We’re both deeply passionate men. We look at small things in life. We think about the wonder of intimate things, thoughts, hopes, disappointments, relationships and the wisdom concerning them. We are kindred in this way.
It was a good conversation, good and healthy and satisfying.