Vegas (11/15/06)

Let me start off by saying I strongly dislike Las Vegas. Yes, there are things I like there, in fact things I LOVE in Las Vegas, but as a whole I strongly dislike it. The reason is this: I say “yes” and “no” everyday to many things. I have, over the course of my life, through failure and success, decided on certain convictions. Those who know me know that I am a man of faith. However, those who know me intimately know that I weigh my convictions very strongly in my mind and in my heart and take these thoughts to God in conversation to see how he weighs in on them. I don’t like to make judgments or decisions on how I feel about convictions until I have had this maturation period.
I have, for some years now, been taking this process step by step with God and desire to have our relationship be fresh and vibrant and not so strongly based on what others tell me or interpret for themselves.
I want the most out of my life. I know that the most impact my life can have is if I follow God’s will. Paul quotes Isaiah 64:4 when he says in his first letter to the church in Corinth,
“no eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love
him”
This is what I feel to be among the most true things in my life. My life can be truly valuable only if I love God, and by loving God I obey God to the best of my understanding. And he will take me places that I could never conceive of, never imagine in my wildest dreams. “No man can conceive…”, what a grand thought. And I only want these things because I feel that my life will have an impact, not for glory of self. The thought that I can influence people’s lives for the better, well, I’m pretty high on the idea, especially recently.
Well Vegas is a place that has many things I wish to say “no” to in my life. And it’s not always because I desire to say no, but because I know this is truly what I want for my life. I did not feel deprived to what I said “no” to this weekend, instead I genuinely felt great for making decisions that, when given the option, defined my character in the positive.
Am I alone in this? Does anyone else, regardless of faith, feel that it’s important to make decisions that are wise? Does anyone else feel it’s important to deny yourself certain pleasures in order to have greater satisfactions? Must one have faith to believe that these sacrifices will be worth it in the future? I rarely, if ever, hear this language emanate from secular sources, “deny, sacrifice” it seems people think they’re entitled to avarice with no consequences. And does anyone else feel that the word “sacrifice” is not negative, but that it carries value, honour and in fact, pleasure?
Why am I made to feel so old? Why am I made to feel so disconnected with my generation? Why have I always felt that way? Why do I feel that I need to clarify that standing alone (veritably) is not an act of pride or ego but an act of my soul’s conviction, that I would be living a lie to live any other way?
Can I be honest for a moment without being judged? Can I say how hard it is for me at times, how exhausted I feel sometimes, how I can feel out of place, or how lonely it can get because of what I choose? Can I utter these thoughts aloud without having to explain that choosing this road is not about my pride? That I don’t feel I am a martyr? That I’m not seeking pats of the back or admiration?
Can I confess that I, at times, just want to give in? Can I confess that, at times, I just want to say “yes” to many things that seem comfortable, that seem soft and exciting and warm? Can I tell you, in all honesty, that I feel it would be a relief at times? At times, I want to give in. I want to give up. I want to be “free.”
But just because it would be easier does not mean that it would be better for me. Just because one load might be temporarily relieved doesn’t mean a much heavier load would not be placed on my back, my heart. Being “free” from conviction would only make me a slave to impulse and chain me to the consequences of those intemperate, unchecked desires.
And why do I feel that I sound so impassionate when I use phrases like, “consequences of those intemperate, unchecked desires?” Does anyone know me to be dispassionate, void of fervor, not a strongly sensual human being with a taste and curiosity for many things?
I am no less a man with feeling, with impulse, with passion and with strong desire than any other. In fact, more so than many, I desire much of what the world has to offer, beneficial or not. So I reject the notion that I do not desire the things I say “no” to. I just see them differently and so choose differently. And again I also refuse to associate these choices with feelings of superiority or judgment upon those who choose differently.
There is joy in wisdom. There is freedom in wisdom. And don’t you disregard the word “wisdom” as ancient, as irrelevantly religious or inapplicable to your life. Wisdom is the way to live your life best. Those with wisdom live lives well. The choices they make in turn bless their lives for the extent of their lives. They grow old with peace. They’re families are whole in heart and they pass the beautiful blessings of wise living on to their children and grandchildren. And these wise people are spread all over. They’re not just old white Billy Graham types of folks. They’re in every culture, or every colour.
There is less hurt, more joy and a fuller life when one considers what the wise choice might be given a dilemma. I don’t hear many people talk about wisdom outside of faith communities. And perhaps that is because the term wisdom connotes absolute Truth, and our popular culture has no interest in there being a “wrong” or dealing with consequences. But wisdom is more precious than fame, more valuable than money and of far greater application than plain knowledge. Knowledge is beautiful, I’m as curious a man as you’re likely to meet, but wisdom is eternal, wisdom is divine and your life will flourish with it, suffer without it.
I am obviously passionate about it. But you see, I live in a community (Los Angeles) and work in a profession (entertainment) within a world that flies in the face of these thoughts of mine. I believe these things. And it’s very easy to ignore your convictions, it’s easy to become deaf to wisdom when the din of society clamours in your ear. For me to live any other way would make me less of a man because I would be betraying myself and lying to everyone around me. I can’t like that kind of life. It’s not worth living. I choose to be a man.
And so, when I go to Las Vegas and am shown a sample of “VIP” life, I am a person who starts thinking about how I feel about it and why it’s not something I find value in, even though I’m supposed to, as an actor, as a man, in my curious, hungry, sensual youth.
I know who I am. I know what my life is about. Of course I am continually learning, and always seeking more truth but I have always lived my life true to my heart, loving my it and those around me as fully as I know to at that time. There is so much I don’t know, so much I’m curious about, so much I mull over and marinate in, which is the very reason I’m writing this. But what I do know I will not turn a deaf ear to sate hedonistic impulse.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time in Vegas for a number of reasons, (a good amount of them Prince related). I enjoyed the company immensely and had a good time all around. But it’s great to be presented with strong temptations to remind you of what your character is made of when you have real opportunity to fuck up that hard fought character.